Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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