Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
