Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
