he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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