Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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