So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
