just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
