before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
