I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You are the jesus of drinking
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
