i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
