i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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