That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize