Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
