Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
