He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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