you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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