And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
