I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
