the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
