I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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