I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
