I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
