We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
