im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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