I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
