i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
