I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
