Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
