If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
