Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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