if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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