i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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