so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
