When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
