And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
