OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
