I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
