I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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