Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
