I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
