my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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