It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
