3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
