it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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