you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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