the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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