Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
