i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
