I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
