did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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