How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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