dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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