My nipple is on Facebook.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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