And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
