shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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