Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
