Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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