i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
