Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
