Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
