My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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