btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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