I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
