I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how can u be prego again
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize